Tuesday, November 15, 2011

You're Doing Everything Wrong.

I really love when people admit that they have no fucking idea what they are doing. It warms my heart. It makes my stomach tickle. I find nothing more beautiful than admitted weakness.

It's all of the other bastards out there that really get me down. You know everything? You're good at everything? Awesome. Here is a cookie. A COOKIE ATTACHED TO MY FOOT WHICH IS NOW IN YOUR FACE.

So, you can imagine how thrilled I was when, on the phone with a friend, she soothed my anxiety over the details of my life. Details like I live in a studio apartment, my husband lives across the country, and everyone around us seems to be doing it "right." She countered with the gorgeous argument: "Well, maybe everybody else is doing it wrong. That should be the name of your book. "You're Doing Everything Wrong."

I actually had to sit down on the floor- in the middle of a store- because I had never heard anything more profound in my entire life. "You could even follow it up with a sex book." she continued. "You're still Doing Everything Wrong."

"I've always wanted to share my 2 positions. It's selfish, really, not cluing the world in on that."

"Well, there you go." She laughed. PROBLEM SOLVED.

It made me think back on a time where I was having cocktails with THE WIVES: a group of woman from Brett's office that were all newly married, and all very proper and "doing it right," no doubt. While I love these ladies an insane amount, they are not exactly the crew that I would drag my Edward barbie doll out of the closet with. For some reason, the topic of lying came up.

(As it naturally does over a cheese plate and bottle of Cabernet.)

"I would never, ever tell a lie." One wife dramatically declared, taking a tiny sip of wine. Meanwhile, I had gulped mine down and blurted out: "Lying is like snorting cocaine. SUPER FUN in small doses and it makes life more interesting. But you probably shouldn't do it, before...like a wedding or a baptism or something."


In all honesty, I have never, ever snorted...well, anything, but especially not cocaine. This is just a PRIME EXAMPLE of Melissa "not doing it right" by going for the most inappropriate joke at the most inappropriate time. I spent the rest of our cocktail hour reassuring them that I was not a druggie and didn't actually lie on a regular basis.

Which was basically a normal night with the Wives, anyway.

There are countless times in my life where I second guess every thing I say and every thing I do. This can be helpful once and awhile. I don't need to dump half a bottle of champagne in my shoe at my husband's work mixer. I don't always need to be the first one up dancing at weddings...like, before the bride and groom. The word "fuck"- being an English major at Berkeley-probably shouldn't be my favorite and most used word. It's not like I don't have more to choose from. That all being said, I don't have to wake up the morning after a dinner date with friends and crucify myself for every flaw, every awkward movement, every thing that I did wrong. BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? You're doing everything wrong, I'm doing everything (and I mean everything,) wrong...


I'm flawed. I make up stories. I taught the kids I use to nanny how to do a really authentic Indian-cab-driver accent. I talk too much, I'm wasteful with paper towels. I totally cheated on a test LIKE LAST WEEK and I'm not always a very patient person.

But I would do anything for someone I loved at ANY time of the night or day. I make a killer baked macaroni and cheese. If you are in my home you will be treated like a king or a queen. and I know how to pour a proper glass of wine.

So, maybe some people think I'm not doing everything by the rules that they created and hold the rest of the population to. Maybe I'll have kids. Or not. Maybe I'll adopt a bunch of monkeys and name them all "Esmeralda." Maybe I jar peanut butter for a living and go home to my husband, dog, and stuffed deer collection. Maybe I'll wear sweater sets and pearls and be the head of the PTA.

Um. No. Actually, I would never do that.

The point is- I'm not doing anything wrong. There is a good chance I'm doing everything wrong- but I'll take it.

We're all doing the same thing, whether we realize it or not. Fucking up, making mistakes, making memories, laughing, learning, loving, breathing.

No one on earth is doing "it right."


except Chuck Norris.

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