Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Happy Everything.

I'm so embarrassed I have been gone for so long.

I blame the holidays. I truly was in my hometown- which means we have one meat shop, one liquor store, one wal-mart AND THAT IS IT. So, I don't apologize for eating turkey in the general great expanse of nothing with my Grandfather.

Don't judge.

I went home for Thanksgiving, as you can tell. And I spent the holiday religiously- meaning I was in my slippers and unkempt hair the whole time. It was bliss. My Gramp even put out cheese cubes for me. I MEAN, WHAT IS BETTER THAN THAT? Nothing. I may be a California girl and know about all the fancy ways to entertain, but you put a plate of cubed cheese in front of me and I WILL LOSE MY SHIT.

I love my Grandfather.

It was a weekend of white zinfandel (his favorite wine,) home videos, Melissa in pajamas, and epic dart wars/air hockey tournaments. My Grandfather put in a game room when my Gram died, and believe me: it gets used. Although I think his vision was a place to bring the grandkids together,not have them at each other's necks...but still. It is a great place.

So, I came home to Berkeley, approximately 5.6 pounds heavier and that much more depressed. I met my personal trainer on my arrival and this is AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION WE HAD:

Her: (Amazonian, Venus Williams-ian,) "You've gotten flabby in the ONE week I was not working with you."
Me: "Don't you have a soul? Or pumpkin pie? I feel like no one loves you or something....I mean, the way you gnash your teeth at me."
Her: "That is not really nice, is it? Do 100 push ups. NOW."
Me: "I'm ovulating. I don't know why I said no one loves you. I...love you. But I cannot procreate with you, so..."
Her: "3...4...5..."
Me: "Oh my God. I don't know if you know me, but I will not be doing 100 push ups."
Me: "I feel like I am special in my own way..."
Her: "I give up. But I don't. Because you are paying me."
Me: "Yes! I pay you to say nice things!"
Her: "Your hair always looks nice when you come in. And I like your perfume..."
Me: "Finally. NOW we are getting somewhere..."

I am horrible at personal training.

Being home has sparked something within me that has been eating away at me ever since. Number one, PEOPLE CAN AFFORD HOUSES IN NEW HAMPSHIRE. I kept an eye on real estate stuff while I was home, and I was sickened to discover I could probably afford a 4.5 bedroom house with servants quarters, a laundry room, and an in-law apartment attached. We went to visit old friends...and they welcomed us into their beautiful ADULT HOMES THAT THEY GET TO LIVE IN TOGETHER. It was hard to see. I came home to my studio and I immediately spent 50$ on Christmassy decorations to make it feel un-dorm-like. I called Brett immediately:
Me: "So, I found a tree....I named him Marvin."
Brett: "You named...a tree?"
Me: "Well. Of course. You thought he would just go nameless? I'm not a horrible person, you know."
Brett: "But...Marvin? Wha..?"
Me: "It's awesome. And he misses you. So I feel like you should shut your mouth before you upset everyone."

And that is the story of how Marvin came to be.

Moral is: family will always try and lead you away from the one thing that (maybe only you) believe in. But, they mean the best. Family is about: awkward moments, mustached kisses from aunts, secrets kept from Mom and Dad, sibling love/rivalry, laughter, joy, sweat, tears...

Life is full of awkward, sweaty, Stanford-trainer-moments. It is up to us to take a step back, laugh, and...live.

Happy Holidays everyone. May your family be less weird than mine.

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