This has been a lot harder than I anticipated. Like, painful. And not fun. And generally yucky.
I guess I pictured this time as a movie. One of those plucky romantic comedies where the characters go through a difficult time, but always end up making out in the rain after a cab chase. I was optimistic, in other words. Hopeful. And then I got here and was watching my husband create this other life for himself and I got bitter and cranky and felt every single one of my 28 years. Except, instead of acting 28, I acted about 14 1/2 and had about one good tantrum a day. This is difficult. And trying. And a huge thing happening in my very selfish life. I am so used to Brett rotating around the center of MY universe, it was incredibly hard for me to accept that he would move out here and have a universe of his own. The thing about marriage is this: IT IS NOT ALWAYS EASY, JENNIFER LOPEZ. Meaning, you can't always get divorced from your back-up dancer to move on to more Latin pastures when things go stale. Marriage takes work. It means a peck after work and not long, teenager-esque make-out sessions most days. It means talking about bills and seeing each other through sickness and health. Like, literal sickness and health. There will be a time when your husband gently knocks on the door of the bathroom after you ate a bad sandwich and he wants to make sure you have enough toilet paper. THAT is marriage. You take the good, you take the diarrhea, you take the bad.
One thing about this awful separation is that I learned this: I am in this. I will fight, I will cry and wail and beg for toilet paper- but I am not going anywhere. I am married, I will always be married, and unless Brett finally gets sick of the catastrophic person that I am, I am here for good. (And even if he does get sick of me I am not going anywhere. I will go all "Fatal Attraction" on him.) But I do think it is healthy to recognize that this. is. hard.
I met 2 girls while being here in Pittsburgh, and I have to say that a large amount of my faked sanity is because of them. We met today at this local restaurant- a restaurant so obnoxious that we cannot even understand the menu and we usually end up ordering chicken salad, because it is the only thing on there that makes sense- and during 6 diet cokes with lemon, we became so honest and authentic with each other I wanted to weep from the purity. We literally looked at each other, (all of us having partners in the MBA program,) and we said, "This sucks. It is hard. It is not easy." And we were okay with it. I have so many girl friends I sugar coat my life to, so to have these two beautiful women sitting across from me as I sputtered out my frustrations- and they SHARED that with me- it was like yoga for the soul without the butt sweat. We ended up laughing, sharing survival tips, and parted with hugs. And I received a text from one later that just said, "Hey. I am thinking about you. Chin up." And I can not tell you what those 8 words meant to me. It meant that I was not alone in this MBA world. That is was okay to drink a scotch from a plastic cup once and awhile, and that- along with my husband- I have a network of friends here that support me and know what I am going through. Priceless.
I don't know where I stand now. I am considering leaving California for good and coming here-now, but that decision comes with its own repercussions. I just...am lost. But, the one thing I know is that I love Brett more that I love breathing. I love him more than chocolate, wine, Twilight movies, and sleeping in. This IS hard, but he is my absolute everything. I can get through any thing this world hands my way- as long as he is at the end of every tunnel.
This post was more deep than I wanted, but you know what? Funny girls can be serious too. Especially when faced with the real world, Because, baby- there 'aint no funny I can think of to make this ache go away.
I'll be more entertaining next time.