Sunday, August 21, 2011

The end of the road.

I'm blogging from a kitchen that was only moments ago filled with people. laughter, and life. Now, the dishes are waiting to be washed in the sink...the wine glasses have been hand washed and put away, and the house is silent.

I leave Tuesday. Tomorrow is my last full day in Pittsburgh, and we had a little dinner party here tonight to celebrate. But that dark part of me begs the question: "celebrate what?" I leave soon. And even though I think Brett fantasizes about having some alone/un-emotional Melissa time, I also sort of think that he will miss me. And I will miss him. And this place. And our life here.

Today in Costco I saw this gorgeous pregnant woman and her husband buying 5,000 lbs of peanut butter, and when Brett wandered back to our cart after looking at knife sharpeners, (I don't even know what that is,) I started a serious conversation. And this is what it was:

Me: I've made a decision, and I feel like now is the time to tell you.

Brett: (sighing.) Oh God. Okay...(sighing again,) what now?

Me: I have decided...(pregnant pause, pun intended,) TO GET PREGNANT! I WANT KIDS NOW, OK?

Brett: (Weirdly calm,) and your decision was made because of...?

Me: I feel like if I get pregnant now, you can't make me go back to California.

Brett: Ok, good. So you thought this out then.

Well, long story short, I guess you can figure out we won't be getting pregnant any time soon.

I'm just grasping for straws at this point. I don't even know what to do. What to think, how to act. This has been an amazing indulgence- 3 WHOLE WEEKS TO FIGHT/LOVE/FIGHT with my husband to my hearts content! And now, we are looking at sneaking in weekends here and then. 3 day vacations where we have to pretend to have a life together and an airport is not involved.

It only hit me tonight, after we had 4 great friends over for an adult dinner in our newly decorated place. I put a tablecloth on, had Brett buy folding chairs from Target, we made all French food and laughed over stories and open bottles of wine and the glorious clinking of glasses. We made a toast. "To Sunday Family Dinners!" And my heart ached as I looked across the table at Brett. His face was bright with sweat (it is VERY hot here) and laughter, and rose wine and happiness. This is a face that, starting Wednesday, I won't see every day. I'm still getting used to that. I will never, actually, get used to that.

But, let's switch back to our friends. They have been with us from brand new house-cheap wine picnic to fancy-ish dinner party on all Ikea furniture. We play games. We drink too much on occasion. We laugh, lunch, cry, talk about Pittsburgh's problem with public urination...and I am so grateful for them.

It's easier to leave knowing I am going across the country and leaving Brett with an amazing crew. He has a family here, and he may not even realize it. I may be his wife, but you make your family where you can...and we have been making that in bits and pieces as we go along.

I'm readying myself for California. What am I looking forward to? Buying alcohol in drugstores EVEN ON SUNDAYS, the smell of pot smoke in the air at 10 am on my way to class, a few friends who seem to like me, and the never ending challenge of Berkeley and all it requires of me on a daily basis. So, I have some things.

But I will never forget tonight. Laughing at some one's joke during dinner, and looking at Brett's rosy face...catching his eye...and winking at him. A kiss on the forehead, a laugh shared with true friends over a great meal, and being able to touch your husbands hand as he loses miserably at a trivia game over dessert. That is heaven, no?

So, going. Going. Back. Back...

To Cali...Cali...

but will always miss you, Pittsburgh.

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