Thursday, April 11, 2013

Don't turn out like me. But, if you turn out a little like me, that's ok.

Trust Me

I was distracted yesterday by all of the facebook posts about National Sibling Day. I scrolled through endless declarations of love, pictures of siblings with their arms draped around eachother's necks, and playful inside jokes peppered throughout my news feed. It made me think of my own 6 (!) siblings and how much I love them. And hate them sometimes. I will do, and have done anything for them. They are my Achilles heel. They are my weak spot. I have driven through the night to help soothe a break up. I've seen my sister's vagina pop out when she gave birth. I've told on my brother when he painted weed paraphernalia all over my mother's attic. I held my sister's hand after a heart transplant, and then brought her junk food the next day. I've changed their diapers, celebrated their successes, shut them in the dryer when we were fighting, and locked them out of the house in a  thunderstorm. They are the only people on the planet that undo me at the same time they make me whole.

I'd kill a bitch for them.

Being the oldest, I feel like I'm constantly wanting to protect them and have them learn from the (very, very many) life mistakes I've packed in over the past 30 years. I know I can't though. I have to sit back and let them get their belly buttons pierced and go on dates with "really, really nice, I swear!" guys that wear Ed Hardy t-shirts AND I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING. However, some mistakes are meant to be made by the oldest so the ones that follow don't have to go through the consequences of them. Which is why I drafted up this list- a love letter of sorts to the younger generation- of Things You Should And Should Not Do Because I Did Them And That's Enough.

Enjoy, my darlings. I messed up/learned a bunch just for you.

Don't trust wild animals that are not afraid of you.
In no particular order I have had: a tarantula follow me aggressively before blocking my path- leaving me stranded on a random hill for an hour, a squirrel try to walk off with my water bottle. (It literally pulled backwards with two little paws until it gave up and tried to climb my leg for it,) and a treed baby bear that was all: "Hey!" and I was like, "Hey! Cute!" and then Brett was all : "IF YOU SEE A TREED BABY BEAR YOU RUN BECAUSE THE MOM IS CLOSE AND WILL EAT YOU."

So, love nature. Just be suspicious of it.

Be nice to the homeless man that says "Good Morning" to you every day, but not to the one that jumps into your face and calls you a "stupid Native American slut."
Surprisingly, the latter cannot be reasoned with. And will throw a soda bottle filled with pee at you.

Carry pepper spray. But test it out before you try to use it. Make sure that when you do use it however, it is not in a windy alley and aimed at your landlord.
I don't think this needs much more of an explanation.

Avoid Captain Morgan at ALL costs.
You will vomit. You will vomit like your stomach is getting turned inside out and your body hates you and is on a singular mission to rid you of all necessary organs. You will probably vomit on wooden floorboards that have tiny cracks that will retain that vomit for years to come. You will embarrass yourself, cry along to the song "Everybody Hurts" on repeat, and then fall asleep in vomit and cold fried chicken. You will be 19 and turned off from alcohol until your 21st birthday...

wait. Maybe that's a good thing- Captain Morgan is awesome. Drink a whole bottle now.

Always splurge on underwear, wine, and good shoes.
Not all together in one purchase, because people will think you are a high end call girl/guy.

Learn how to play an instrument.
Or, just learn a few chords on the guitar and then tell everyone you meet you play. Just don't tell anyone at a bonfire because there sure as hell will be a guitar's like a necessity or something- and then you'll have to awkwardly explain that your fingers hurt to not be found out for your lie.

Don't Lie.
Well, you can lie sometimes. For instance: telling people you are a writer at the show "30 Rock" is a funny lie. Telling someone you love them when you don't: Not so good. Lie carefully and always for creative effect.

Always love your sister Melissa because she was a writer on 30 Rock and can probably buy you a lot of stuff.
Just kidding. But know that I made these mistakes for you. And I cherish the day that you all were born. And I'm so lucky you are in my life.

That's totally not a lie.

1 comment:

  1. I love it!!! :) And I just wrote about siblings today too - great writing minds think alike. Probably because we were both writers on 30 Rock together. Probably.