Wednesday, March 13, 2013

My celebrity crush? Your mom.

Girls that say I am their celeb crush tend to be highly intelligent and creative. Or boys. 
For some reason I’ve noticed lately that the important topic of celebrity crushes keeps popping up in random conversations. I guess it’s a good ice breaker. You can saunter up to anyone at a cocktail party and throw out a “So, who would you bone if you could bone anyone in Hollywood?” and most people will have an answer.  Most people.

Brett never has an answer, because he rarely watches TV, has no real working knowledge of any celebrity names or facts,  and always seems vaguely baffled by the question when it is presented. He will mumble the only name he can connect to a celebrity face which is the WORST ANSWER EVER. ‘Angelina Jolie.’

No one wants to hear that Angelina Jolie is your celebrity crush. Women will instantly hate you, men will be a little squeamish because she has about 9 thousand children, and it is like saying Romeo and Juliet is your favorite work by Shakespeare. It lacks creativity.

I love him for it though. I love the fact that I know he finds the question inane and that he REALLY thinks Molly Simms is gorgeous, even though he has no idea who she is. I will usually jump in with that tidbit when the question is tossed his way. Which is socially obnoxious, but that never really stops me.

“He likes Molly Simms.” I’ll supply. “Which is obviously why he married me.”

“I don’t even know who Molly Simms is, Melissa.” Brett will try to interject.

“You nearly died when she got out of the shower in the movie "Benchwarmers.”

“We saw "Benchwarmers?”

and so on.

My answer varies on my mood and how much I dislike the person asking. If I’m trying to be difficult, I will say something like: “That guy that sat behind Leslie Nielson in “Airplane.” I think he was in a Chevy commercial once too.” Or  “The jack-in-the-box guy. I know you can’t see his face, but I find his voice very manly.” Or, the even better response: “Jodi Foster.”

I’m not trying to be the most annoying person on the planet, but sometimes I just can’t help it. I know that a simple “Ryan Gosling” or “George Clooney” would pacify the masses and firmly establish my femininity. But, I find that sort of obvious attractiveness incredibly dull. Give me Zach Galifianakis with bean burrito in his beard and THAT’S what I’m talking about.

I was thinking about all of this when an old friend posted a link to my facebook featuring our shared childhood celebrity crush, Jonathan Taylor Thomas. (or, JTT to be intimate.) We were obsessed. We cut out every picture of him in Tiger Beat magazine and poured over every article and interview he was in. I knew his favorite food (“pasta!”) what he liked to do in his down time (‘read and skateboard!”) and the most desired characteristic of his dream girl (“down-to earth!”) these generic and manufactured interview responses kept me going and made me feel like I really connected with him.

 I like pasta too, JTT. I like pasta too.

On one occasion we took the celebrity crush to a new level when we took pictures of him on the TV screen during an episode of "Home Improvement" and then made an album splicing those pictures next to pictures of us. I dressed for our couple pictures in a flowy, bohemian skirt with a paisley print that matched the rubber bands on my braces. In my mind that is exactly what a "down-to-earth" girl wore. And modeled in her little book of creepy photos. 

While I no longer entertain celebrity crushes to that sort of passionate level- as a teenager saying JTT was my celeb crush was representative of who I was. A dorky girl well versed in pop culture with a slight personality disorder. Affiliating myself with him was a peek into what made me tick. Which was a whole lot of crazy.

And that's why we ask that question. We ask it to harmlessly look into someones inner workings and to get a sense of who they are as a person. If you say your crush is "Angelina Jolie," I will immediately think you are slightly douchey. (And Brett is not douchey. Just ill-informed.) If you say your crush is Jake Gyllenhaal I will immediately be bored with you. If you say Channing Tatum, I will think you have a penchant for STDs because that man looks like he created them. 

If you say Zach Galifianakis with a bean burrito in his beard I will know that I found a soul mate for life. And then I'll offer to buy you a drink. And then we can stand in the corner of the room making fun of the girl who answered "George Clooney." BECAUSE SERIOUSLY? GEORGE CLOONEY? GIVE ME A BREAK.

Go out there and be original, my friends. And make a creepy photo album to show it.

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