"Dear God....Thank you for my sisters.....and for wine...."
Day 3 in Ohio with the family, day 3 without Brett after our brief reunion, and day 3 was magically the day that depression sort of oozed in and I refused to get out of bed until the promise of coffee and an episode of "Glee" lured me away from my cozy nest.
In truth, I am not a "take-to-my-bed-when-the-world-wrongs-me" kind of person, (and for some reason, my entire family slept in as late as I did, so there.) but I am the kind of person who, when truly depressed begins to pull into myself and away from other people. Which is alarming if you are a social pterodactyl like me. (NOT EVEN A BUTTERFLY. I'M BIGGER AND A BIT MORE OVERWHELMING.) Anyway, my family definitely noticed my subtle mood change this morning, especially when my mom offered to take me out to lunch and I gave her a half hearted, "Oh, no thanks. I'll eat something here." This is a big warning sign. I adore eating out. I never want to just "eat something here." My mom immediately grew alarmed when she found me slapping together a half sandwich as I stared out the window.
It was so not like me.
I guess a few things hit me today, and in total Melissa fashion I let them all pile up so I could tackle the heap of them and not individually like a normal person. 1. Brett works a lot. He will be working even more. I am equally so proud of him and so bummed out at the same time. Maybe because I don't work at all. Right. That needs to change. 2. My sister Kayla is ENGAGED-HOLY-FUCK-WHERE-HAS-THE-TIME-GONE. Even though I am so happy for her, and love her fiance, my heart remembers when she was a BABY and I did stuff like change her diapers and fish bits of weird-junk-she-found-on the-carpet-when-she-started-crawling out of her mouth. And now she has this adult life and I am having a very hard time being an adult and accepting that. (Its also made me spend a lot of time looking at my wrinkles in the mirror, and her comments about my "almost 30-year-old-eggs" haven't exactly been helpful. THANKS KAY.) 3. Being here...being home...for the past few days has made me realize how very much I have missed out on. Yes, I needed to move to California to start my life, and yes, it meant that I had to make sacrifices to reach an end goal. But, stepping in to this life and seeing my family all grown up and angsty and getting married and having kids...OH MY GOD.
I've missed everything.
I combated the weird mood by sneaking out of the house when I thought everyone was preoccupied. I slipped on my swimsuit quietly, cracked open a beer, and tiptoed out onto the deck where the pool waited for me, gorgeously vacant and cool. And, I dove neatly under the water, wiggled up onto a floaty chair, and titled my head back to the sun. Perfect. Alone with my thoughts. Soaking up the sun and able to pick through my thoughts by myself, just me...
Kayla's sweet voice called to me from a window above, her faced pressed anxiously against the screen. "Who is out there with you? Are you alone?"
"Yes," I stammered, "but..."
"Oh no." She cried. "You shouldn't be alone. I'll be right down!"
Two seconds later found Kayla at my side, re-applying my sunblock as she talked about how amazing her fiance was. I decided to commit to the moment, and grudgingly asked her questions. We talked about things I haven't dared talk about with her before. Maybe because I want to keep her a little girl, and with her illness, I definitely want to preserve her and keep her pure, and young and...well...mine.
Once I realized how STUPID AND TWISTED that was, I opened up to her more, I guess in an effort to make up for lost time. I told her my dating horror stories from when I was her age, we talked about sex. (gulp.) We laughed over boy talk, she gave me advice (gulp again.) and...we connected. As adults. (Triple gulp.)
My sacred pool time had been disturbed, yes, but in the best possible way. I suddenly felt lighter and more open to the ever-changing flow of life. After she went inside to rest, my step-brother came out for a chat. And when he went inside my Mom came out. And climbed in the pool. And tipped me over in my raft.
So, I never got my "restful" afternoon. But, I learned a lot about committing to the flow of things. And, when Kayla did her treatments tonight...instead of watching her from afar as I cursed the world and its unfairness, I joined her for some goofy pictures. Like this:
oh, and THIS:
and then we ate junk food and watched junk t.v. and all normalcy was restored.
I know this blog isn't very funny or light-hearted or really "myself." But, for someone that faces her mortality every single day, my sister really made me realize that maybe bundling myself up in blankets this morning and boo-hooing into a cup of coffee, or trying to sneak away for a private pool-pity-party made me less of an adult and more of well...maybe a douche bag.
And here she is, 18 years old, newly engaged...and maybe...just maybe knows a little bit more about life than I do.
I'm not ashamed to admit it.
And I can't wait to figure the rest out. One interrupted pool party at a time.