Thursday, July 28, 2011

4 Days In and I Think I Met A Serial Killer.

In this summer Milton class that I am taking, a very sweet young boy sits behind me and today I realized I am 99% sure he is, or has the capacity to be, a serial killer.

Polite, well groomed, and creepy. These are the best words to describe him. He just started talking to me in class, and I did that awkward thing where I mentioned I was married in random moments during our conversation. For instance, he asked me if I ever watch the football games on campus and I said, "Oh, I'm married and my husband LOVES football!" So, I didn't answer his question, and I lied because Brett hates watching football. Anyway, I don't think he was hitting on me, but it was something I did just to get things straight from the beginning. This makes me come off very ego-tistical. Like, when my Professors ask me to stay after class I usually say something like: "Is-this-about-my-last-paper-I'm-married-by-the-way." To clear everything up, it is ALWAYS about my last paper. I have no Professors trying anything inappropriate with the girl that shows up with wet hair every day and coffee and scotch coming out of her pores.

But I digress.

The serial killer does things like address me always with my full name. As in: "Melissa Cottle, I believe you dropped your pen." And: "Melissa Cottle, could I copy down your notes from yesterday because I was not here. I was busy KILLING PEOPLE." (Well, not really, but you get the point.) The thing is, he makes me want to carry mace around during the day. And I only carry mace around at night. I should not even be carrying mace because it just makes a killer's job easier. I have deployed that baby 4 times, and IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN ON MYSELF. One time in a crowded classroom towards my I look at mace as a favor in a way to the killer. Like, just confuse me and make me panicked and I will turn that on myself. Job done.

This has all made me think about Brett and how safe I feel when he is around.He has been gone for 4 days and I already sense the need to defend myself during the daylight hours. There is this moment in life when you choke on something or you walk down an alley with a can of mace pointed at your eyes and you realize...who is going to be around to protect me? I have to fend for myself now...I can't call Brett and have him escort me from one place to another, (which I am ashamed to admit I have asked him to do in the past.) I've got to be a big girl. And learn how to protect myself. And not carry a loaded can of mace around with the spout facing in.

So, on Monday I will face the serial killer, and when he says my full name in a creepy voice I will turn around, mention once more I am married, and then tell him: "I AM CARRYING MACE IN A PROPER WAY. BACK OFF BUDDY." And I will take the grown up route.

Because grown ups threaten other people.

1 comment:

  1. Hahaha! Well, certainly this grown-up always has. :) But seriously, call his creepy bluff, and tell him the name thing is bizarre. If that doesn't work, spill your coffee on his desk.